The heart of the Birth Revolution

 

« I believe that each of us can make a tremendous difference. Politicians and visionaries will not return us to the sacredness of life. THAT, will be done by ordinary people, who gather, neighbours and friends together and say :

remember to breath,

remember to feel,

remember to care,

remember life.

Let us do this together - for ourselves, and our children, and our children’s children….»          Gunilla Norris

As I was listening to a guided meditation early last week I came across this powerful quote from Gunilla Norris.  And it got me all fired up for the Paris Positive Birth Movement gathering that was to come later that week.   

This idea that real change comes from ordinary people, coming together, from a point of shared experience is something I have always believed in, and it is the premise of Grassroots movements such as the PBM.

But this quote was about more than that, it was a gentle nudge, a subtle whisper, reminding us that the real power from these gatherings comes from when we connect on a deepy human level, when we connect from the heart.

And THAT, I believe, is a revolutionary act.

What’s revolutionary about that?

“We underestimate the strength, positive energy and healing power we cultivate when women gather all together. Because there used to be more women's gathering for all kind of purposes back in time. Unfortunately it's not the "trend" anymore. We need each other's presence, words, energy.  I am so grateful to have found this group in Paris, and hope it will become an example to empower women.”    Marissa, mum and hypnobirthing teacher.

There is a tremendous energy in women gathering together, sharing experiences, supporting one another, listening, hearing, respecting silence, respecting the presence and needs of others... It is the power of sitting, breathing, and feeling together in one room that makes individual concerns feel bigger, and important.

And this conscious gathering, this collective caring IS a political act.  It’s about staying THIS matters, I matter, WE matter, and mostly: Our CHOICES matter.

Sometimes, that’s all it takes. This tiny little micro-revolution that can happen inside of any of us, is all that needs to happen to alter the course of someone’s life, even just a little bit.

Off the back of these gathering a woman might change her care provider, she may feel more empowered or informed to a make a different choice about a certain aspect of her birth plan, or she may simply gain confidence and conviction from listening to the positive birth experiences of other women.  They may seem tiny, but these everyday minature revolutions can change one woman’s experience. And that matters.

"J'ai vécu mon premier Positive Birth Meeting comme un moment de ressource. J'ai beaucoup apprécié l'accueil et la bienveillance des femmes présentes et la qualité de nos échanges. Nous avons abordé des sujets précis concernant le déroulement de l'accouchement tout en gardant un esprit très positif de soutien, d'optimisme et d'ouverture. Je suis repartie plus sereine et confiante, avec avec des réponses pratiques et l'envie d'explorer l'hypnonaissance. Merci encore à Jodi et Sharon de leur générosité". Eléonore M. (2nd time mum, currently 27 weeks pregnant)

And what of our hearts ?

"Thank you for creating a safe and positive space to talk about pregnancy and birth, to share information, stories and give support" Ruxandra, mum & Hypnobirthing teacher

This tone of collective caring, support & empathy IS the revolution. I believe that chosing to connect with ourselves, and each other from the heart is one of the most powerful choices we can make.

It is a pivotal first step in saying « I matter, my choices matter » and consequently being able to extend that loving presence to « YOU matter, your choices matter,» which will fundamentally lift us all.  Because then EVERYONE matters, and EVERYTHING matters.

Whenever I see any real momentum in the birth world, whenever women are really supporting one another in a way that leads to palpably positive change, it is these tender qualities of the heart that are always at it’s core. Birth icons such as Sheena Byron, Tracey Cooper and Francoise Freedman are shining examples of this from me, their work is so clearly charged from the heart that it infuses everything they do and eveyone they touch.

Writ large, the revolution starts with you.  It starts with the simple, but revoltionary act of self care & self compassion.  When we cultivate that heartspace in ourselves -  that tenderness, that receptivity - then it invariably and authentically extends to others.

Can we have a birth revolution without it ? Counterbalancing the fear bias

The danger -then - is when the negative, critical, fear bias of our brains take charge and our hearts get left behind. 

Too often I have seen birth gatherings, meetings or forums turn into critical, judgemental, in-fighting, which serves nothing and serves noone.

Even in this supportive, space of the Paris PBM last week there was a moment where the tone of the meeting turned to fear & anxiety. Luckily, it was Emilie, a beautifully receptive and conscious french Chirpractor that spoke up and brought everyone’s awareness to how this switch had completely changed the atmosphere « look how peoples behaviour, language & interactions has changed when we start feeling through fear….this is exactly what happens in hospitals. This fear is contageous »

Fear creates barriers, it creates resistance & contraction, infusing the exact opposite conditions to the open receptivity of the heart.  The good news is, they are both equally contageous…so better to focus our attention on cultiavting the heartspace -  non ???

Emilie was spot on : it is exactly what is happening in the institutionalised birth world. We forget to breath, we forget to feel, and we forget to connect.  Midwives so frequently have no time or space to come back to their hearts, in the pressure cooker of the current sytem.   

Crucially, Midwives too must start from a place of self care and self compassion before they can authentically extend this loving presence to others.  And the current climate in which most Midwives work – gloablally – are not at all fertile for cultivating the heart.  There is no space to breath, no space to feel – deeply - and less and less energy left to care.

This theme of caring for yourself is thus a wake up call and a warning call for many of us birth workers and proffessionals.  Sometimes we get so charged and animated about the bigger political picture of changing things in birth that we forget this basic fundamentally micro revoltionary act :  We forget to feel, forget to breath, forget to connect.  We lose sight of this quality of loving presence - for ourselves and others - that has the huge capacity to impact on all and everything.

The revolution starts with you ; Cultivating the heart space

This week Paris was blessed with a visit from the positive Mumming sensation Hollie de Cruz.  She was kind enough to leave me with some of her *yesmum* positive affirmation cards for mums, which I gave out during my postnatal yoga classes. These daily affirmation cards are a brilliant and simple way to remind yourself to infuse self-compassion, positivity and kindness into your busy everyday life. Thank you Hollie! I have mine out on my coffee table : )

The essence of navigating change: before, during & after birth

It is because of this conviction in the power of empathy and shared understanding that I have been focussing on cultivating heart awareness in my own practice recently, and I have been planning my prental yoga and postnatal yoga classes around this theme.

If you ask me (which you didn’t, but you’re reading my blog so I’m going to tell you anyway) this choice to reconnect with the heart is one of the most powerful choices we can make.

The qualities of self compassion and acceptance are what I believe truly support women to adapt to the everpresent emotional and physical transformations during pregnancy, birth and motherhood.

In my experience, it is meeting these changes with openness, receptivity and self compassion that allows women to make space for these potentially painful experiences.

Thus the focus of my prenatal yoga and postnatal yoga classes of late has been around the physical postures and meditations that open the chest and the heart space, reminding us to feel, and cultivate this tender receptivity of the heart.   Being kind to ouselves and kind to others.

There are tonnes of meditations which you can do to cultivate this quality of self compassion and extending this gentleness to others, such as the loving kindness meditation here 

The heart practice that I have been using a lot recently is this guided meditation from Tara Brach, which uses visualisation to sense our own goodness, and the tender qualities of our own hearts.

So often we judge and criticise ourselves to a point where this negativity bias becomes so deeply ingrained that it IS us. And it cannot help but extend to the way we treat others.

I’m super conscious of this at the moment since I have recently been going through the fatigue and general physical and emotional yakiness of early pregnancy. It took me a good few weeks of feeling completely grot and being quite critical and harsh on myself before I finally « woke up » and reconnected with this heart practice.  Thanks GOD for my meditation practice because it really helped me to a greater acceptance and compassion for the fact that my life was changing, my body was changing and  brought me back to a place of « making room for all of this».  Without it I believe I would have stayed in a place of resistance and negativity for much longer, wanting to go back to the old me that I know and where I felt comfortable, instead of approaching this new phase with openess and receptivity.

The heart of the revolution

The heart is at the core of eveything we do, and if it is not, then nothing will really change, not really.

It is this subtle but revolutionly act of each of us « remembering to feel… remember to care… » first for ourselves, and then for others, that I believe will bring about real & tranformational change in women’s experience and in the birth world at large.

I hope then that sharing this quote might share this little nudge, that little whisper, that reminds all of us to come home…come back to the heart and remember to care for ourselves and care for each other.

Fear will keep pull us all down, but the heart will lift us….

---

More positive feedback from the PBM meetings:

"I feel so lucky to have found the Positive Birth Movement whilst I was pregnant. The discussions were enlightening and reassuring, helping me feel excited, not anxious, about birth. And as a bonus, I found out about wonderful prenatal yoga and birth preparation classes. 

Since giving birth, I love attending the meetings too, to share what I've learned with other women and to keep learning and talking about one of the most amazing things in the world!!" Hollie, mum of Joyce

 

"A first timer to Chez Sharon, it was inspiring to see a gathering of gorgeous girls, in varying stages surrounding the creation of life. The environment was relaxed & welcoming and the chat between us flowed naturally & was throughly engaging. I would have loved to make the meetings before, but I am happy to be able to add to them post-baby and I look forward to the next one..." Ash, mum of Lir 

"Great to be a part of positive birth movement. It was first time that I attended the meeting and it assured me that giving birth is the most natural thing and even it could be positive fearless journey."  Lenka, 38 weeks pregnant with her first Baby

"It was wonderful to finally be able to attend this meeting! Great synergy and sharing around the theme of choice in giving birth."  Tatiana, baby nurse, baby massage & prenatal yoga

Gentle is the New Strong: What antenatal preparation has to learn from the Slow Yoga Revolution

Fighting with our 'selves'

How about if we all slowed down, took one step backwards, and BREATHED - Like really breathed?

How about if instead of always going to max capacity - always pushing ourselves to 100% - we tried out going to simply 60 or 80%, and see what that feel’s like?

And what if, instead of constantly reaching for something better, striving to be something or somewhere else, we stopped - still - and explored what’s already here, NOW?

Perhaps, maybe, in this slowness, this stillness – this space inbetween ‘being here’ and ‘getting there,’ we might actually learnt to love ourselves, and appreciate life,  a little bit more -  TODAY?

This is the philosophy that informs J.Brown’s Yoga School in Williamsburg, Brooklyn and I had the pleasure of practicing with J and some of his teachers at the Abhyasa Yoga Centre whilst I was visiting New York last week. His flexible, authentic, approach really rang true with me and the space I found in his classes helped to illuminate and consolidate some of my recent ponderings on the direction that the birth preparation world is going in.

For those of you who don’t know already, I’m currently working on a new and fruity antenatal programme with one of my best mates and (about to be) PhD-level Midwife, Julia Clark aka @birthupnorth. We’re trying to pin-down what’s a bit lacklustre in the birth prep world and create something more punchy, modern and authentic, that really speaks to the millenial Mamma.

What’s Yoga got to do with it ? Learning from The Slow Yoga movement.

J.Brown’s approach is part of what some are calling ‘the slow yoga revolution.’ Rather than any constant striving or pushing for external goals outside of our current experience, J’s practice method is about focussing on what’s here, in our present experience, using Yoga to appreciate and enjoy life today.

His teachings can be broadly summed up by his «gentle is the new advanced» philosophy, which seeks to shift the focus of Yoga to a breath-centred practice, helping us to truly slow down and take care of ourselves. 

Sounds good right ? And it is – that’s the thing.  It really DOES make you feel truly excellent.

So it got my juices flowing on how we might bring some of these principles to birth preparation, in an attempt to make it a bit more ‘gentle’ and realistic too.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN ‘GENTLE?’

« The idea of having to ‘get there’ IS the problem…that creates this idea of lack.  Trying to ‘find something’ implies that you don’t already have that something that you’re looking for’ *[1]»

By gentle I mean kind, tender, loving, compassionate, humane… lenient, understanding.  I don’t mean meek or docile or delicate, in the flowery, whimpy sense.

A gentle approach shifts away from this cycle of harming ourselves and each other. It allows you to feel how you actually feel – in all it’s complexity – and not how you should feel or should be instead (if only you were better and a bit more like Deliciously Ella or some other chick on instagram that looks like she constantly seeps Joy out of her tits).

In acknowledging what is actually here, we send love, acceptance and compassion to all of that. Experiencing our thoughts, feelings, and sensations as they are ; accepting them into our current experience rather than perpetually running from or avoiding them.

Writ large, this constant pattern of pushing and tugging with reality simply perpetuates a cycle of not good enough or ‘not there yet’ where we persistently feel that our present experience is insufficient or incomplete, that we are somehow not yet good enough or lacking.

So what about a more gentle and realistic approach to pregnancy and birth ? An approach that’s based on the acceptance of reality as it is, and focused on – as J puts it - « simply feeling better and enjoying life today ? »

Flow of ideas & inspiration following J's class!  The slow yoga movement shebang is not new to me, but J's class flicked a switch and got my thinking about how we could apply this all to birth.

Hold your horses, or WHOA MAMMA : the slow or ‘gentle’ approach

I think the question we are really asking ourselves here is what does loving & accepting ourselves –as we are - really look like?  And more specifically - how would this manifest in pregnancy ?

All of these bigger, better, faster, stronger impulses are essentially rooted in self-dissatisfaction, or a dissatisfaction with the way things actually are, right now.

It comes from this mentality that we somehow have to push past something, to get ‘there.’ And this usually involves some form of concerted, strenuous effort, or even harm and self-sacrifice. It’s what J refers to as « the other side of the line. » This image of ‘there’ being some idealised version of reality nirvana whereby if we can only get to the other side of that line we might FINALLY feel better and start loving ourselves more fully.

Except we all know that this never happens, and that once we get to the other side of that line we simply start drafting out new lines, to achieve and conquer instead…

SO here’s the lightbulb : I think pregnancy and birth runs the risk of being just another part of this destabilising, erratic line-drawing process. We draw out a line for a ‘natural’ birth or a certain, particular, idealised image of how pregnancy ‘should be’ and of course we invariably fall short of it. And then we suffer .

Unless, we STOP, still, now and switch to an entirely different frequency.  And I think that’s where the gentle approach has something to offer...                                                                                                        

Experiencing Pregnancy TODAY : integrating reality

 « What would it be like, if I could experience each moment of pregnancy, each stage of this new experience….with astonishment… or wonder…or awe ? »[2]

My concern with the antenatal world, im momento, is that we’ve all become a little bit overly-obsessed and blinkered by the birth.  It’s hypno-birth, active-birth, mindful-birth, positive-birth…birth birth birth birth birth. 

But there’s also a whole 9 month precursor to that all important birth (which we call pregnancy in case anyone’s forgotten). And I’m not denying the significance of birth, but what I do see – increasingly - is this tendancy for women to spend much of their pregnancy entirely consumed by the anticipation – and often anxiety – of realising this fixed, future reality of their perfect birth. 

In reality - there’s a whole lot more in-between.  Within this 9 months - each and every minute -  lie hundred and thousands of tiny, unique micro-miracle happening , day by day,  and I think it’s a real shame for us to miss even some of that.

Because, that focus on the birth experience is in the future, often the way distance future. Again it is this tendancy for grappling to be ‘on the other side of the line.’ Feeding into the idea that where you are now is not quite where you want to be.

Writ large the ‘I need to be over there’ philosophy prevents you from enjoying and appreciating your life and pregnancy TODAY. It prevents you from seeing what’s good and enriching about YOUR life TODAY. Equally, it prevents us from making the time&space to nourish and accept what’s difficult or challenging for us, right now. 

A gentle paradigm for life makes for a gentle paradigm for birth

Here’s the juicy bit : By building this gentle, responsive, and realistic approach to pregnancy, I think we also build the foundations for a more dynamic, flexible and realistic approach to birth too. The two are entirely complementary, and the same mindset then gradually seeps into the postnatal period; facing the realities of new motherhood gently and realistically as well.

The self that meets it's self – the constantly oscillating range of emotions and sensations day to day during pregnancy - with kindness, love and understanding, is the self that also encounters the wide range of sensations and emotions during labour and meets them too with tenderness and understanding, acceptance and curiosity too (Equally, it is the self that could eventually feel the urge for an epidural during labour and meet that with understanding and acceptance as well).

Further, it is the self that can meet the undpredictable and unknowable behaviours of a newborn baby with greater understanding, compassion, and patience...

Seen from this angle, pregnancy is, in fact,  a continuum, whereby the gentle and flexible mindset you cultivate during pregancy – and life itself – eventually manifests itself in the same way during birth and beyond.

In short – the more intimately you learn to meet your daily experience gently, and with love, now, the greater your capacity to meet your birth, your baby, and your experience of new motherhood with love and undertanding too. 

Isn’t this just like Hypnobirthing or Mindfulness?

« there was no seperation between their meditation practice and their labour experience. They were in a dynamic relationship to the birthing process as it unfolded, moment by moment.  Like the dancer who is one with the dance, their birthing became their meditation practice. »                    Nancy Bardacke, Mindful Birthing

Well yeah, it kind of is.  But it’s also more than that.  It’s more dynamic, integrative, and complex than that : because – well – women are more changable & complex than that. And pregnant women are definitely so much more complex than that !

Some people say that hypnobirthing is actually a ‘mindful’ approach, but having taught hypnobirthing and experienced its effects I honestly don’t believe it is.  I think it’s a first step towards mindfulness but I don’t think it goes all of the way.  In a sense, I think we need to mix the two – and then throw in some other flavours and spices for good measure.

For me, hypnobirthing just cherry picked a few of the most essential aspects of yoga and meditation practice and bottled them up and branded them as a kind of crash diet for positive birth.  But you can trace the roots of both of these schools  into a much deeper and more profound practice of ancient philosophy and « ways of knowing .»  

The danger I see with some of these hypnobirthing ‘post-it’ style affirmations is that they can sell you an image of how you should feel, and they can ignore what’s actually happening now.   If you’re not flexible – or gentle - about the way you use them, they risk to perpetuate this cycle of the illusionary future, this pattern of always needing to somehow be or feel something outside of what or where you are now.  In contrast, mindfulness focusses on what’s actually here, in this moment.  

Mindfuless is simply a ‘waking up’ to the essence of life as it is, now.  An appreciation and a care for the present moment, cultivated through paying attention, without judgement.                  

Nadia Rafat sums up the difference between a mindfulness approach and other birth preparation schools beautifully in her article here.

No Pain no Gain : How is gentle, STONG ?

At the Abhyasa Yoga Centre, Brooklyn, NYC after one of J.Brown's classes.

The disatisfied mind will inevitably asks itself, of the gentle approach: is this enough? If I’m not pushing myself, punishing myself, stuggling, striving for something that’s outside of my current experience: Am I lazy ? Am I ‘getting anywhere? Is this enough ? 

And my answer to all of you, pregnant or not is this :

Where you are – TODAY – is OK

Who you are- TODAY – is OK

How things are – TODAY – is OK

What you are -ALREADY – is enough

«Everything is perfect and exactly as it should be » in the word’s of my Kriya Yoga Teacher Shibendu Lahiri:                    

Here’s the switch that flicked when I reflected on the gentle approach : I think our definition of ‘STRONG’ has been utterly contorted, and we all got a little bit confused.

What about if our strength actually comes in the form of tenderness, compassion and a kind of poetic beauty that slowly, and gently uncovers each day of pregnancy – whatever it might throw at us – with understanding and acceptance, until one day we finally unwrap birth in exactly the same way.

You see, birth is like christmas, and pregnancy is like the whole month of December.  If you focus your attention too much on christmas day, you’ll miss the magic of the lights, and the tinsel and the mystical wonder of the stories we tell to children about Santa….and you might actually forget the presents, or the present altogether.

Going back to our 'selves': You are already strong

TRUE LOVE, compassion and kindness seeps into everything , starting with yourself.

Here’s what I think : I think women are made to give birth. Or more specifically I think women’s bodies are made to give birth.  We’ve just all become so wildly confused about that because we’ve been SO long submerged in this virtual reality of bigger, better, faster, stronger.

So I suggest that our strength, is actually rooted in this gentleness.  Because women ARE stong.  But we are a different kind of strong to the ‘virtual reality’ we’ve been sold. We are stong because we are tender, compassionate, and kind. 

It’s by paying attention to that, cultivating that, wiring our brains to use that as our default ‘action and reaction’ that we get stronger. Not by somehow mentally or physically ‘pumping iron’ as it were.  It’s by cultivating this gentle approach – to ourselves – that we tap into our utmost strength.

It’s not about becoming anything.  It’s about cutting through these layers of virtual reality that we’ve been sold; that we need to be tougher, better, something other than oursleves, as we are.

Because in reality, you are already strong, you are F**cking Strong. 

My darling, open your eyes to the dazzling reality of that which you already ARE; you are entirely, and unshakably POTENT.

[1] [2] Drawing from J.Brown’s podcast with Mathew Remski, ‘The heart of Yoga.’  www.jbrownyoga.com/yoga-talks-podcast/